That muscle, the one inside that keeps us from falling apart seems not to be working the right way these days. It’s still pumping my blood, but it seems to be faster and harder and the chamomile tea won’t slow it down. Tea doesn’t work on lust induced heartache, though I had hoped in the drinking that it would do so.
My friends that know me well, know that crushes aren’t good for me. They know that I give too much to someone I know very little of. This is the first one that I’ve really had in months, since right before I joined the church last May. When I began going to church all of that unbalanced emotion went into my need for God, but right now it is in a state of flux.
The last one was bad, very teary eyed, hole in my chest, disengaged from reality kind of bad. Actually… it was typical of my life. I’ve done this all of my life, found something or someone to focus on so that I didn’t have to focus on myself.
I suppose this is my first crush after becoming a Christian and I’m not sure how to deal with it. I feel a little guilty for wanting someone or the “idea” of something, which is a relationship with someone I don’t really know that well.
I need to refocus my energy on God, on my writing, on my music, and the rest of my life. I have a song that I wrote about this a few months ago and want to go sing it for need of an outlet. Singing is sometimes the only thing that will calm my nerves and give me peace.

On a side note: I love being at this cafe and listening to conversations. What used to bother me about listening was that everyone was always having the same conversation and the fact that nothing is new bothered me and sent my into depressive episodes because of the pointlessness of all things. I felt defeated by the reality of the situation and it was that nothing I could say or do would matter. Things have changed since then, I love hear people laugh and learn and be…

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