Sunday May 15, 1994
Today is my birthday. I have just turned 14 years old! Today so far I have had the worst day of my life. My stomach is upset, the perverted boys Bert and James (Ernie) when we were camping up in Manteca were bothering me with their crude remarks. I think Sandra likes them. I know you won’t tell her this. I took my friends Keith, Cathy, and Sandra. They had fun but forgot about me. Oh well, at least I accommodated them before me. My mom was very helpful, she cooked, cleaned and was very nice. I love my mom, she keeps from my domain.
P.S. I think I’ll name you Anne
1. Apparently I don’t have much to go on in terms of life because I can certainly say that there have been much worse days since that one since I don’t even recall what actually happened. I suppose at fourteen, it’s pretty easy to have a worst day of your life without it being super terrible.
2. I still hate my birthday to this day. It’s almost always the worst day of the year, good to know nothing has changed here.
3. Fourteen year-old Nicole, where’s the explanation? What does perverted boys even mean?
What did they do?
4. I have always loved my mom.
Wednesday May 18, 1994
I woke up this morning to a radio blasting, how awful! Sometimes I wish I could just shove it down a toilet like my teachers Mrs. Johnson, Mr. Mandell and Mr. Ernst, sometimes I hate them. Well I shouldn’t be that harsh, they are just trying to teach me. I guess I just dislike them. I don’t have much to say except we took our 8th grade picture today and I got my Great America season pass. Gotta go.
- I was already a night person and hated waking up every morning.
- Did I hate school? I don’t remember hating school and I don’t remember hating any teachers except for Mrs. Green, 4th grade. Ugh… she sucked. All she ever talked about were the Green Bay Packers.
- Every fucking summer was about Great America. I was there on the daily. Hell yeah, that place is where it’s at. Anyone say cotton candy?
Friday May 20, 1994
I want you to know things about me.
I am 14 years old
An only child
Favorite Teddy – Lighty bear + baby blanket
Full Name – Nicole Cherie Peoples
Born – May 15, 1980
I’m Black and White
Favorite Colors – Purple, Black, and White
Favorite Person – My mom
What I want to be – A psychologist, journalist, or singer.
Favorite Singer – Whitney Houston
Favorite things to do – Write and Sing
Where I want to go to college – not sure yet
There, that’s all. Do you know why I named you Anne? I named you Anne because of this book I’m reading called “The Diary of Anne Frank.” This is a real diary from 1942-1944. She wrote of her time in the “Secret Annexe.” I think she was very brave living in there with the fear of being found by the Gestapo, or Germans. She died in 1945, three months before her 16th birthday in a camp called Bergen Belsen. I really admire her and yet I feel sorry for her. She has a lot in common with me. It may not show it on the outside, yet on the inside it is there.
- The basic things about me haven’t really changed all that much. I’m still super into psychology, writing and singing. Who’d have thunk?
- No wonder I was so fucking distraught when Whitney died. I mean… I remember liking her, but she was my favorite singer and that is a hard realization. Oh man, what a woman! Whitney, I’m Savin all my love for you.
- I can draw like a champ. This is why I’m the artist I am today.
- What exactly did I have in common with Anne? Did I feel locked away? Was I afraid I was gonna die soon? Maybe I was brave, who knows? What I do note is missing from my diary entries is how sad I actually was because boys would make fun of me for being fat all the time, maybe that’s how I related to her?
- In this drawing to the right I actually calculated with Anne’s age would be if she had lived. She would have been 65.
Saturday May 21, 1994
Today I went to Sandra’s Uncle Joe’s house for a hot tub party. It wasn’t that fun, only because Sandra didn’t talk to me. I wish Sandra would get a new personality sometimes.
My friends summarized:
Sandra D.L – She is very weird. Rambunctious, overly active, likes to play fight. Lives with her mother. Nice.
Catherine B. – In special ed, good at art, tall, wears things that look like combat boots, acts dumb.
Jennifer K – Cleptomaniac. Liked Mike(s), Julian, Eli, Steven, Elvis. Likes overalls, has 1 brother, 1 stepsister and 1 step brother. Parents, Denise, Niel, Barbara, Rusty.
- ooooh, hot tub party while so young?! I know what happens at those. Oh wait… while other fourteen year olds were exploring their sexuality, I in fact was covering up mine. I’m pretty sure nothing except for us sitting in a warm bubbly tub happened. As for the not talking, hmm… it was likely my fault. I mean… I’m not writing the nicest things about my friends in the first place.
- What the fuck Nicole? Why are you even summarizing your friends? In a later journal I write other summaries of my friends and guess what? They see it and discontinue our friendship. Way to go fourteen year-old Nicole, well… at least you learned a lesson.
There are only 13 days left of school. That’s exciting! The other day on Saturday night, Gil almost slept over but I didn’t want him to stay so I got him to leave.
Today we started the GSE (Golden State Exam) in math. It was easier than I expected. We finish that and our CLAS testing tomorrow.
My friend Jenny is going out with this guy named Michael, she finally picked a nice guy. I call him boy.
I’m also going camping this weekend with Shawn, Keith, Dorothy, mom, and Sandra. I guess it will be fun.
P.S. One day I’m going to marry Shawn. That is a promise!
- I always considered Jenny my pretty friend when I was younger, which is why I end up being obsessed with who she’s dating and who she likes. I was soooo jealous of her. Is there a part of me that still is?
- Definitely not married to Shawn and never will be. He’s had a rough life and I am not a part of that.
- I rocked that GSE, rocked it hard.
Dear fourteen year-old Nicole,
I love you, but you were kind of bitchy. I mean… writing about your friends that way and wondering why they aren’t talking to you. Perhaps you had a good reason, but at least explain what they’ve done or else I don’t have a clue.
Don’t you think maybe you’re a little too old to still love your teddy bear and your little yellow baby blanket so much? Well… I just want you to know that I’ve kept them just for you. They are up in the closet, but they are still here and I’ll give them to our kids one day if ever we have them. I’ve taken good care of them, except for there are a few extra holes in the lining of the blanket from rubbing that soft silky part all of the time.
Your favorite person is still your mom, even though she’s gone now. Oh maybe I shouldn’t tell you that, I wouldn’t want you to cry. I’m so glad that she was your favorite person too. She was pretty cool and I aspire to be like her all the time. She was such a good person. There were times we were mad at each other, you’ll get there when you’re a little more angsty, but we got through it.
You never become a fine artist, but you’re an artist now in other ways. You still draw stick figures and that’s okay.