Dear Diary (The Crush 1995)

Thursday May 32nd or June 1, 1995

My birthday passed on May 15th and I turned 15, my golden birthday. I got at least $300.00.
I didn’t get into Estetica and I am sad about that, but figured singing was just a dream anyway. So I’m going to start better concentrating on my math, English, and science. Especially science because I love it, yet I haven’t been paying attention lately.
I want to go to the University of Arizona in Tucson and get my masters degree in science and become either a lab scientist or some kind of surgeon.
Look at what I want to do, but will I get to do it or will I become a loser and lose my life like others before me that had big dreams.
I am my own person and nothing will tear me down like friendships and things that happen at school. I ask the Lord everyday that I may have a good life, but I know that he can’t help you with simple things like auditions.
Maybe singing was not my calling, but I have a feeling deep in my heart that I am here to somehow help others and not always help myself, but before I can help I need to help myself find myself. I need to first put myself into perspective as if I was one with the world and it were one with me.
I don’t want just the dream, I have made my goal of science and I’m going to stick with it. I promise.
I have been slipping in my grades since the incident with Cate. They don’t really know how much they hurt me, they can’t feel my pain. Until the day I die I will probably remember what happened while they forget me. Now because of something I didn’t tell Mr. Fine this other girl Nicole (see why I hate the name) threated to beat me up because of what S told her. S knew how Nicole would react, yet she told her.

Goals:
1. Go to U of A in Tucson
2. Do all the work to get to the U of A
3. Go bungee jumping or sky diving
4. Don’t have kids till I’m 30
5. Don’t let too many friends stand in my way or enemies
6. Get a high paying job
7. Start a club called “dream state”
8. Live like everyday is your last
9. Always smile, no matter how you feel

I gotta go.
N. Peoples

Reflections:

1. I didn’t go to the University of Arizona in Tucson, I went to the University of Puget Sound in Tacoma, WA. I don’t remember anything at all about why I wanted to go to that school. Why is it so special? Should I go there and get a PhD? I majored in English. Is it too late to change my major to science?

2. Nicole, you’ve definitely made it to 30. I mean… you’ve actually thus far made to almost 33 with no kids. Let’s just see how long you can go. 40? 50?

3. Still working on that high paying job thing. Ooh… I did watch an episode of Body of Proof yesterday that said you can make up to $100k selling body parts. There’s a market eh?

4. So sad to see my younger self giving up so easily. Not meant to be a singer! Oh my, that must be why you’re in a band now and sing all the time. Oh… the life of a fifteen year old.

Thursday June 1st, 1995
I know you’ve been wondering who I hate. Well I hate no one because if I hate them I am the same as them. I do not love them, but I do love them in a way. I know their hearts are better than they seem. I must smilke, but I don’t want to force one. I’ll think of something happy like laying on a field on a summer day. Listening to the birds chirping and little stream just off in the distance while a lizard laps up water.
I also bet you want to know who I like:
1. Max
2. Paul
3. Keith
4. Josh
5. Carlos
6. Travis
7. Jacob

Gotta go,
N. Peoples

Reflections:

1. I bet you want to know who I like right now. Ha, I’m not gonna tell you! There might be someone, there might not be, but y’all I’m 32 now. It’s not on the forefront of my mind. I have other things to do than obsess over boys and crushes.

2. Who do I hate?  No one here either. It takes far too much energy to hate and I don’t have that kind of energy to waste either. Let’s see… If I really had to pick someone it’d likely be Bill O’, but honestly “I ain’t got time for that.”

Monday June 5, 1995
You could not understand the shit that I am so deep in. If I don’t do my homework for English and Journalism soon I am going to have a few F’s. I’m not look forward to them. Help! Help! Help! Please!
N. Peoples

Reflections:

1. Did I pull those grades up? I’ve gotta know! Wait… I don’t remember any Freshman F’s so I’m going for things must have worked out.

June 9, 1995 “A Whole New Chapter in Life”
I must explain this to you, but you must listen intently to what I am saying. I have talked of a boy named Josh Campbell a number of times but never like I’m about to.
Josh Campbell, the one I like and forever will. I cannot quite explain why I like him, yet I do. And even more than Shawn. Today I found out that last year Josh would cut his hand and say his cat did it. You’d think that would turn a girl off, but not me. That bit of information made me slightly more interested in him. Something about Josh is quite mysterious and unexplainable. The other day I read an essay that Josh wrote about his name. He MV5BMTkyMzA2MTkwNF5BMl5BanBnXkFtZTcwNzEzNjMyMQ@@._V1_SX214_said it was dark and evil. That drew me closer, all the mystery and wondering.
On Monday or Tuesday I’m going to talk to him about it. I’m not going to make him notice that I like him, but I am going to ask him some questions like, “why is your name so dark to you? “
How do you feel about it? I’m only interested right now on piercing that darkness that wallows within his heart. I know I can do that for him. I have that feeling when I am around Josh. I have the feeling of déjà vu. It’s so mysterious and bewildering. It’s everything about him. The cross that he wears, yet he has an evil inside him. The black.
That is not the only reason I like him. Josh is very intellectual; I can tell by his posture. He is also very talented. He plays the cello and that’s what I am mainly interested in him for. Music attracts me, also his blond hair, sometimes guys with glasses. I know this is just a crush and I’ll never really know him, but at least I can dream.
I could never let anyone see this journal or they would think I’m crazy and laugh. I am just the fat clumsy girl in class, but I don’t want to be seen that way. This summer I plan to lose weight, but it’s not just to get Josh. I’m doing it for myself. I respect Josh and I just want to be his friend. I’m not going to try to kill him like Alicia Silverstone tried to do on “The Crush.”
I’m pretty normal, I thought, but all of the sudden, everyt time I see him I just want to run and hug him and kiss him on the cheek because I feel like we were somehow related in a past life. I don’t know… it’s totally unexplainable, it’s… it’s all in my mind. What if there really are no past lives? What if all I think is wrong?
I’m going to look up his number in the phone book and call him. I must, I must or I will go insane.
Well I must go.
Nicole Cherie Peoples

Reflections:

1. Crazy. This sounds crazy Nicole.

2. Explaining that you’re not going to kill your crush like Alicia Silverstone makes it sounds even crazier.

3. What’s a phone book again?

4. The darkness that wallows within his heart… think on that for awhile.

5. I talked to Josh much later about the accusation that he was a cutter. He told me that was all rumor and that he had actually cut his hand but it was less a cat or intentional cutting and more a cooking snafu.  If only I’d known that earlier.

Dear Nicole,

You’re fifteen and there’s not much I can say except for I’m sorry you’re going to have to be a teenager for a few more years. Things are going to look up and down about every thirty minutes give or take for a little while. Please don’t compare your crush to psycho killer movies anymore, they might put you away.

It takes at least 10 more years till your less boy crazed, but… I can tell you something about Josh, no I can’t. Let’s wait, let’s wait, it’s all gonna build to that. In the meantime let’s focus on our other school work.

I hate to tell you this but you’re not a scientist in even the remotest way. I know that you liked it a lot back then especially looking through microscopes and doing tests. It’s okay though… because now you talk about poop with people all the time and weird pathogens. I’ll let you know more about that later.

Also, I wish you would stop worrying so much about losing weight and just worry more about maybe playing sports or eating foods that are actually healthy instead of less of the crappy foods you eat. I love you Nicole and this weight thing is only going to be harder because you’re obsessed with it.

I’ll talk to you soon,

Nicole Cherie

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