Things are starting to get weird. Things are only going to get weirder and possibly sadder from here, I’m honestly not even sure myself. It’s interesting re-exploring what it was like to be a teenager. So angsty, so obsessive, so annoying. Wow, I’m almost impressed that teenagers even make it through these years with all their limbs attached. Well… let’s take a ride on some more of the crush train. Nicole is starting to get older!
Monday June 12, 1995
You know what? I wrote this really big long speech in Josh’s yearbook but he wrote this tiny inky dink thing in mine because he was busy.
I feel so stupid. I explained the past life thing and déjà vu thing. I can’t believe I did that! I told him that I like his hair and his cross.
I even put my phone # in his yearbook. Maybe he won’t read it. I pray, please Lord don’t let him read it.
Did I tell you about my Birthday? It was fun, but I couldn’t keep from laughing when we were having a levitation part and séance. Sarah stayed up watching some gross movie about these two people having sex all the time. I went to sleep.
Oh man, I so feel for younger Nicole, that pain of totally putting yourself out there (even if it is via a long meandering post in a yearbook, because most people I’ve known have done it) and getting absolutely nothing back. Josh, come on! You could have written more to the poor girl. Are guys really so dense? Do you think he knew about younger Nicole’s feelings? I still don’t know to this day.
June 12, 1995
If you’ve noticed, I’ve been writing a lot to you lately. It helps me maintain my emotional stability that I need right now. I don’t think I have ever felt this way. Everything with Josh. I love that name Josh, Josh, Josh. How handsome and beautiful it is. I’m never experienced such a high by just saying a name. If my mom knew what I was feeling she would never leave me alone with it. “ooh, you want a boyfriend?”
Well, I don’t. I just want to look into Josh’s eyes and see who he is. Just to know him is all I ask.
I know. I keep repeating myself but it’s hard not to. Just one kiss and I will get over him.
Maybe the summer will help me get over him. It’s always helped before. I wonder if anyone else I know feels this way about someone.
As I said, it is a mystery.
I’m in the library right now, so I’ll go look up some books on dreaming, reincarnation, and witchcraft.
Signing off. Snaily
Nicole, Nicole, Nicole… I don’t know what to say, except for What a gorgeous name!
Ooh… and this is when I was getting all into Wicca and trying to figure out my past lives.
June 14, 1995
Guess what? I don’t like Josh anymore. The other day when I wrote in the yearbook must have calmed me down.
I always have a short crush on a guy. I can’t fix what I wrote in his yearbook. I wish I could explain what I’m feeling. I am going to start meditating so I can see my inner feelings.
Guess what! I had the highest score doing presentations in English. I wrote this poem called Rose Lips (I’ll write it in here for you to read). I turned it into a song and sang it in front of class. It was so cool.
Rose lips, blooming pretty
But what does that matter as you’re walking along?
No lies but behind your back,
Leaves lying on a paper sack
Can you die without dying?
Can you live without life?
What love poor soul of a deadman
All he can do is hope
In a sequence they say, “oldman, oldman.
Why do you live in a card board box?”
“I have done nothing to you,” he says.
“I will say nothing to you,” he says.
“So leave me alone to cry myself dead.”
There once was a young woman he loved so much
She loved him like he loved her
But one day he turned and she was gone like the time
Yet he knew he would see her again.
Rose lips blooming pretty
Leaves lying on a paper sack
I am trying to study dreams and ESP. I want to open my mind and experience things on a higher level. We only use about 10% of our brains you know and I would like to be able to use at least 20 or 30%. I want to teach my future children to understand so they can be gifted even more than me. I am not saying I’m smart or anything, just open to new ways of learning and thinking.
Guess what? I got my summer school courses yesterday. I will be taking psychology (totally cool). It will help me understand people a little more. Also it might help me with my dream club, “dream state.” It helps you understand what the brain is doing.
1. I’m super excited I’m trying to extend my knowledge of some stuff, however… I’m pretty sure I never did any reading in history and half of my English books so I’m surprised I’m going out of the way to increase the use of my brain. I thought I levitated a spoon once, but that’s only after I went to see Powder with Noelle Rabago.
2. I’m gonna spare you all the dreams. There were so many dreams recorded, they might mean something per younger Nicole, but at this point they are the remnants of some long lost feelings and desires and I can’t even begin to understand them 18 years later.
3. Who are you trying to fool Nicole? Over your crush on Josh? We’ll see about that…
I mean… I don’t want to call you crazy, but… you might want to stop obsessively thinking about this Josh guy. At least this is in your journal. Are you saying this out loud to actual people? I hope not, oh God I hope not! Oh shit, you were! You know, at least high school only last four years. I’m so glad you made it through freshman year alive, now you’re on to sophomore, do you know what that means? Not yet, but you surely will on the first day of school in Mr. Allen’s class. He’ll explain it to you and the rest of the sophomores and keep reminding your for the rest of the year even though you all feel like grownups and that you have real problems.
I hope you learned your lesson about writing long notes to people and hoping for responses. If you need a response call them on the phone, it just gets things done a little faster. Well in a few more years you’ll also have things like email, don’t send those either, a response might get lost in the ether of the interwebs. Don’t fret though, high school will be over soon enough and you’ll have to deal with college.
P.S. You love Josh still even if you can’t admit it.
Yourself – Nicole Cherie