I used to believe in reincarnation. I used to think it of it as this thing where I would do what I could in this life and start over again in the next one and the thought of it was comforting.
As I’ve grown older that comfort has grown tight and smothered me and is now more of a burden. The thought of coming back and starting over sounds more like an unreasonable injustice and a way to commit us to what I would consider hell.
As I’ve grown older a lot of things have changed.
At 15 I was Wiccan
At 18 I was Buddhist
At 22 I was spiritual
At 25 I was agnostic
At 28 I became a Christian and this has stuck, this has found me in the darkest places and held me up. This is the only thing that I really felt saved any part of me that was always in the dark.
Things were dark at 28 for me. It had all started much earlier though as things often do. Darkness doesn’t usually just happen without any warning, usually it is gradual as the clouds cover the sun and the sun finds mountain to hide behind, such is the way of darkness settling on top of a person. It usually happens at a pace that gradually takes over until suddenly you’re in it and hopefully you have a light.
There was a time when I didn’t have a light or at least I didn’t think that I had one. What I had was a broken heart and a list of things that were bearing down on me.
What I had were reasons for why things should end.
What I had were questions for a long lost God.
What I demanded was that, “God if you exist you fix this for me or this is it. This is IT!”
I had never cried out in my entire life for God because for a long time I was angry or didn’t believe or it was was both. I can pinpoint when I really became angry and told God we could no longer have a relationship. I decided he couldn’t possibly care about me. That is a long story that I will tell one day, but at 12 I decided that I would let him go and it wasn’t for another 16 years that we would really have a relationship again.
Here I am, 2 weeks away from 33 with a constant reminder of my Faith tattoo’d on my body that I don’t regret and never will.
Love, Truth, Strength
I try to live my life through what these three words mean to mean.
Love: Regardless of the person, loving that God has created them and even in their sin, pain, despair – still loving them through it. Loving them through that for me means staying even in time when I want to walk away and believe me I want to walk away more than I want to stay.
Truth: Listening and doing what is right in most situations and led by the Truth of God. I recognize that I will never “know” everything, but I strive to hear what I am being told and to live through God.
Strength: Having the Strength to go on everyday and finding that not just in myself but in God.
Well that’s quite enough of my rambling. Definitely just thinking about a lot these days and how my beliefs have changed throughout the years. It’s been quite an issue as I’m the only Christian in my main friend group. Explaining my Christianity can sometimes be burdensome and there’s the part of me that wishes I wasn’t because things would be so much easier. The fact is that I just am though and I can’t disengage myself from that part of myself.
I am so grateful for my family. When I was younger Raleigh said, “one day you will find your spirituality and it may be different from mine but it will be what’s right for you.” It’s true, I’m so different from my family and have such different beliefs but we still love each other and I pray for them and they send me their good karma and all is well with us. I only wish everyone could love each other so much even in their differences.