I have decided that I’m leaving and I’m not sure for how long. I don’t know if I’ll come back, but I know I can’t stay.
I’ve been unsure about where I should be for a while but couldn’t make a decision about where I needed to be. Perhaps it’s because there’s nowhere that I need to be right now. Perhaps there’s a place that I’m supposed to find.
I’m not sure how I finally got to the decision to leave with no real place to go. Maybe it’s because I finally prayed and asked for guidance for what I should do. Or maybe it was that my conscience mind finally knew what to do after I spoke with Dorothy about moving back to California.
She said, “Why would you move back here? There’s nothing here. There’s so much out there to see. Go out and explore.”
Words of wisdom. They hit me hard.
Later the same day I spoke with Matt, a good friend and ex from long ago. He sounded so vibrant and happy in love with a new girl, which I’m ecstatic about actually because I haven’t heard him this happy in a long time. He told me that I just have to take things and that I can’t keep letting them slip by and of course I got the reminder that “You’re not getting any younger.”
It’s simple but true. I’m not getting any younger and I don’t want to have any regrets. I already have some and I’m so young, though I don’t have many.
Maybe I’ll find what I’m looking for on this trip, though I’m not really sure what I’m looking for. Answers? Guidance? Love? Bad road trip food? Writing material? Fame? A sun tan? Sex? A new career? Perhaps all of the above.
A friend recently asked me if I wanted to find the love of my life. At the time I was unsure because I’ve gone for a good long while thinking there is no such thing; my heart too closed to even think that there might be a possibility of that in any near or far future. After that question was posed I began to reflect on it and myself and the reasons for why I can’t let people in and I think maybe I might be ready now if it does happen. He asked the question at the time I needed to hear it.
Right now is not the time to explain how I’ve been transformed in the last month from having a quite acidic and jaded heart to feeling open and inviting, that’s for later.
If I find the “love of my life” on this trip, then great! If not, that’s okay too. All I know is that if it happens at least I won’t be scared of it anymore and whatever else happens, I’ll be one step farther away from the regret and unhappiness I fear staying here would leave me with.
All in all, I do love Seattle. It’s brought me so many good friends and great memories. I came back here only because an ex said I had to or she would leave me. That was one of the best “mistakes” I’ve made. I don’t recommend following people to new cities, but sometimes you learn a lot in the process and I’ve truly become a different person coming here.
A lot more is going to happen. There are going to be beds, couches, and floors in my future. Perhaps awful food and dumpster diving and Evan Williams, certainly Evan Williams will be part of it all.
What’s next? Well I’ve got a countdown pretty much going. I’ll be leaving around Oct. 1st, so stay tuned for the exact date. I’ll be writing more blogs about my preparation for the trip as it nears. I’m so excited that it kind of hurts.
And just in case Riri wants to know… Yes, the knuckles are coming with.