Last night, I was supposed to go to bed at 1am. Instead, my friend Elissa and I stayed up in my car talking for the next three hours about everything we could try to fit into a three hour conversation before the sun came up. I learned so much about her and I said more than I’ve probably ever said to anyone. I love conversations like this. Things were good and hard and wonderful and real. Everything was so fucking REAL. Here are some things we discussed.
“Everybody around our age is a commitment-phobe but at the same time loyal as fuck. I mean… I’m loyal at least, I’m like a dog.”
“It fucking pisses me off when people say they don’t call their mom. I mean… call your fucking mother! Because when she dies, all those excuses you had for not calling her like, “oh, but she doesn’t call me” aren’t gonna matter anymore. You’re just gonna be left with some stupid regret, some stupid stupid stupid regret and that’s gonna be your own damn fault.”
“His life shouldn’t have turned out the way it has. People don’t understand all the different variables that make you turn out the way you do. He didn’t kill because he wanted to, he killed because he had to.”
“I don’t think you ever get over someone dying you just learn how to live with it.”
“I wished my whole life that I had a sister. The grass is fucking greener? That shit is stupid, you don’t wish that you grew up alone like I did. There’s nothing worse than growing up by yourself. You open the door and the only thing there to raise you is your TV set. I got so fat and ate so much because food was my only family. You don’t want what I had. I grew up so alone. I was so very lonely.”
“All this drama and I still love my sisters. I love my mom, I love my sisters, I looooove them soooooo much!”
“We’re in our 30’s now. The normal thing to do is to start a family, have a house, do these domestic things right? Well… What if that’s not what I want?
It would be so much simpler if that’s what I wanted, but for now I haven’t figured that out – at least I’m happy.”
“I dream about my mom once a week. Usually I end up saving her from dying over and over again, but sometimes we just talk. Those are the ones that hurt the most, because I get confused sometimes and think that she’s still alive when I wake up, because she’s not. It was just a dream and I have to remind myself where I am.”
E: I don’t know your mom’s name after all this time.
N: It’s Carolyn. I don’t know your dad’s name either.
E: Hunter. Samuel Hunter Eng.
“All those pizzas that came out… I was like… I’m gonna fucking eat the shit out of that pizza.”
“He’s tied to my father’s death. I was with T for the two years that I watched my dad die. I was stressed, angry, manic. What would our relationship have been like if he hadn’t been dying?”
“I knew a guy that was dating a girl with one leg that confessed to me that he likes dating disabled girls because he feels like they’ll never leave him and he likes feeling needed. I bet he’s dating a paraplegic by now.”